cookies

After taking both my written and oral Spanish final exams yesterday, I had nothing to come into school for today. But someone mentioned baking cookies and suddenly that was my mission. I made a special trip to the store for chocolate chips last night, got my favorite recipe from my mom at home, and made another trip for butter. Got up and came to school today for the sole purpose of baking chocolate chip cookies. 

Borrowed eggs, new kitchen, strange new oven. Two different pans, resulting in very different cooking speeds. One pan that became a large overcooked merged mass. They were far from perfect cookies. 

But they were perfect. I hadn't been in the kitchen to do more than throw some lentils in the slow cooker for months. None of us had had homemade cookies for four months. Baking has long been my safe space, where I feel in control and calm. And to spend time, just talking with the other students, to get to give people cookies, know I'd brought a little bit of happiness to a building that has recently been filled with stress, anger, and discord. All that was a like a little magic. It was just what I needed today. 

weekend

This was the weekend that I decided I needed to get myself out of the house.

On Friday, no school, I slept in. It was heaven. 7:30 is too early! I felt like an adult when I willingly went to a museum, all by myself. I was bored after half an hour, but stayed an hour to see it all and so the guards wouldn't judge me. It was interesting, a good museum, but museums are not for me. I think it's good I didn't study abroad in Europe, as there seems to be quite a lot of old stuff, with history, and museums, there. I wouldn't've done so well with that.

I then thankfully made myself ask for directions so I didn't go walking off in the wrong direction to el mercado central. Souvenir shopping time! I was quite successful, although the only Costa Rica bro tank I could find was unfortunately a men's small with a skull on it. I'll do some doctoring when I get home and it'll work out.

I had fro-yo for the first time in months. It was delicious, eating that while watching tiny humans chasing pigeons around the square.

Saturday I knew I wanted to go do something, but was a little stumped because I'd used up all of my great two ideas on Friday. Luckily, found another student from my program who was sort of in the same boat and we decided to go to a concert together. I hadn't realized that this concert was going to be by children, but I still thoroughly enjoyed myself. It really made me miss being in band, but mostly made me smile, sitting in a theater in Costa Rica that was modeled after one in Paris, with a friend, on a Saturday afternoon, listening to a mix of classical and Star Wars music.

Sunday I went to see The Avengers. I must've gotten a burst of bravery this weekend or something, because I went even my my friend bailed because she was sick. And then I went to a new mall by myself, only panicked a little bit when it was so big I couldn't find the theater, and saw my first ever movie by myself. Costa Rica assigns you seats in the theater, which was a new experience. Very different from US theaters, because it means everyone comes and takes their seat about three minutes before the movie starts.

I enjoyed myself, although it was a little sad not having anyone with me to recap the movie and I had to come home and ask Wikipedia my questions about some of the details that I missed. But I finished off the day with some raspberry gelato, so all was well.

La Fortuna

Upon leaving San Ramón, I began to realize that I had a rather limited number of weekends left with which I could do things. Added to the fact that I had yet to take a trip without either my program or my parents, I decided that I was going to do something. The thing of it didn't matter terribly, I just knew I wanted to have planned and gone on a trip by myself and get myself out of San José and the sitting around on the weekends that I usually end up doing. Following recommendations from the Red Cross people, I decided on La Fortuna.

La Fortuna is the town at the base of Volcán Arenal, a famous volcano because it was erupting until 2010, but is one of the few volcanoes that nevertheless still has a conical shape. With another student from the program and some advice from other students, off I went.

We got to feel nice and knowledgeable at the bus station, where we kept running into lost tourists who were so glad to find someone else who spoke English and so impressed that we'd been here for three months. The first night we went to the hot springs. There are about a million and one places to choose from, but we went with the recommendation. Which was lovely. About a bajillion pools, constructed to feel like you weren't in a resort but still in the forest. And some crazy big slides, one of which was fun, the other terrifying.

Day two we went on a tour hike of the National Park, where we saw pretty flowers, birds, animals, and then a lovely view of the volcano on one side and the lake on the other, while standing on a lava flow. In the afternoon we went to a waterfall. Now, I was thinking a little swimming hole type place with a small waterfall. But instead, we hiked down about 600 steps (going back up was fun) into a deep valley, where a very tall waterfall plummeted off the cliff into a small pool, and then the river continued. It was cold, so I didn't spend much time in the pool with the waterfall, but it was cool just to feel the sheer power of all that water. I enjoyed the river and people watching much more.

We kept getting asked by taxi drivers what our plans for the nights were, but we were perfectly content with our dinner and gelato and early bedtimes.

Day three was my favorite. Although no one we'd talked to had been super gung-ho about kayaking, we decided to go for it. And I am so so glad we did. I think everyone was used to big adventure things like ziplining or nice resort things, but kayaking was perfect. Just my pace and style. Down Rio Peñas Blancas, me, my friend, the guide. So peaceful and quiet, floating down a river in the middle of a forest. And it turns out I am much more interested in looking at birds when I'm not on a hike! Got to see two species of monkeys, iguanas, basilisks.

Topped off by a last meal and gelato and finally, clear weather allowing us to see the top of the volcano. Coming back to San José, to classes and routine, was a little rough. If I could spend every day kayaking down a river, I'd be content (although my shoulder muscles might disagree). 

San Ramón Reflections

• In spite of it all, I got used to kissing people on the cheek.
• Internet. Yes.
• I haven’t had the dream yet. You know, the one people talk about, their first dream in the language they’re learning. I’m trying to convince myself that this doesn’t mean I haven’t learned anything. What I do keep doing, however, is imagine myself explaining or asking something in the future and, halfway through picturing the conversation, realizing that I won’t have to say it in Spanish. Because I’ll be in the US. Surrounded by people who speak English. Weird. 
• I’m going to miss San Ramón, despite it all. Well, I’m going to miss some of the people. The people really do make a place.
• It's really weird to realize that I'm never going to see these people again. I've never been great at goodbyes.In fact, they're kinda the worst.
• The highlight of my entire time here so far is still being taught how to intubate by the paramedic at the Red Cross.
• Gender dynamics and machismo and cultural differences are frustrating and confusing and very hard to navigate.
• Bureaucracy sucks.
• I may have implied/stated at some point that Costa Rica is not that hot. I would like to amend that statement. February and even March are quite pleasant. April is apparently the hottest month and ohmygod it is. Sweating when I'm sitting and eating breakfast is a new one for me. Not my favorite. 
• Four weeks sounds much more manageable than five did. 

look! i'm alive!

In thinking about my blog for the first time in quite a long time, I couldn’t even remember if I’d posted anything about Nicaragua. (Turns out I did. Thank goodness, because the details of that trip are already long gone.) Things got a little hard since then. Things didn’t work out as I had hoped with the Red Cross, so instead of volunteering as an EMT, I was stuck in the office, feeling aimless. Luckily my advisor was able to get me into the local ER to do some observing there. It has been interesting to see what happens in the hospital, after learning, if not seeing, so much about the pre-hospital side.

I’ve had a head full of class decisions and senior year scheduling issues, waiting for a housing decision, trying to figure out my summer (it will work out. It has to work out.). And even though I’m still here and living the study abroad experience, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on what that means and what this experience has meant to me and why I feel like I was so unprepared for it.

I get why people don’t want to talk about the hard stuff. I am probably going to fall into that trap too, as it’s so much easier and more comfortable etc. But I do feel that I, at least, owe it to future abroad students to also include the harder, less shiny bits that don’t make it onto the pamphlets. That as nice as your host family is, they’re still not going to be your real family. But, you will spend enough time with them that some of their little habits might start to drive you up the wall. That culture shock is very real, but is different for everyone. That it doesn’t necessarily mean hating where you are and wanting to go home. That food is a big deal. That as suffocating as the Grinnell bubble can feel, it’s also a wonderful little sanctuary. That it’s hard. That every program has issues.That you do not have to enjoy every single second to still have a positive experience.

on challenging things

That last post was a bit....scrambled. But I'm leaving it as is because it's honest. It's how my brain is. I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling about my experience while I'm still living it. It's confusing. It's a lot. I think I'm going to be processing for a while.

I talked to another student on the drive back from Nicaragua and she said that if someone asked her to sum up her experience in one word, she would say "challenging." And I thought that was the best description I'd heard of this experience. It's been so challenging, so hard, in mostly wildly different ways than I anticipated.

I'm not sure if I'd really thought it through more than realizing that I wasn't going to see my friends for eight months and that I was going to have to speak Spanish. I spent a lot of time fixated on those two things. Which are big ones, don't get me wrong.

But I didn't, couldn't, even begin to consider all that living and studying in another country entails. All the little things. The living in someone else's house. The food, the different routines and cultural expectations. The less-than-daily communication with my best friends, my people. All the little things that make up a life.

I have seven weeks left, today. In some ways that feels really long. I don't know what a lot of my time will look like. Plans have changed, expectations have been set aside, papers have to be written, friendships are being navigated.

But here I am, sitting back in my house that mostly has wifi, after a day split between two families where I feel more or less comfortable. Where I have made my home. After watching Grey's Anatomy with my host mom, sitting listening to Like Real People Do while blogging. And like Danielle keeps reminding me, I am doing this. And there is great value in doing hard things. 

Nicaragua

I find it incredibly difficult to describe the places I live. Never would I've thought that Costa Rica would be included in the category of "places I've lived," but here we are. I say this because I know I haven't really described the cities I've been. San José is just.....a big city. With busses and buildings and people. Although it's different from any other big city I've been in, I can't quite tell you why. Maybe it's the Catholic churches everywhere, or the lack of skyscrapers, or the sound walk signals make, or the fruit stands on every street. 

It’s all going by too fast. It normally doesn’t feel like that, but for the last four days I’ve been in Nicaragua with the other students in my program, as we had to leave the country to get our visas renewed. We’ve had jam-packed days. Interesting, but exhausting. Beaches, Lake Nicaragua, tour of Granada, horse-drawn buggies, volcanoes, lava, lava tubes, artisan market, old churches, tile roofs, beautiful views. I wanted to sit down and write at the end of each day, just to try and remember it all. But by the time we get dinner for 22 people and hang out and talk and work on our mid-semester presentations, I’m out for the day.

It’s ungodly hot, making me grateful for the relatively cooler temperatures in Costa Rica from the higher elevation. I’m ready to go back to home-cooked meals. Restaurants just aren’t the same. It’s nice to see the other students and swap stories about our rural sites and research. Nice to know I’m not the only one struggling a bit. But it’s also more of a reminder that they aren’t my real friends and definitely cannot replace them.

The first day we climbed a bell tower and got a gorgeous overview of the city. The whole time I was remembering climbing the minaret in Delhi and what a wonderful moment that was.

I’m currently in an old lodge in a private reserve near (I think) the capital of Nicaragua. Everyone is on a hike, but I needed some downtime. It’s beautiful, but I can’t quite appreciate it all as I’m tired and ready to get back to my new version of normal. 

It was nice to go somewhere new, break the routine a bit. Getting out of Costa Rica allowed me a little more perspective on the whole experience. I enjoyed seeing a different Central American country, feeling the small differences from the place that has come to feel a bit like home. But I'm ready for cooler temperatures, home-cooked meals, return to my routine, fewer things to do and places to see each day, less time spent on that bus. And I'm excited to be able to say that I have seven weeks left here, less than half. Because while Costa Rica is certainly more home than Nicaragua, it cannot compete with Colorado and Iowa and people I know and love.