San Ramón Reflections

• In spite of it all, I got used to kissing people on the cheek.
• Internet. Yes.
• I haven’t had the dream yet. You know, the one people talk about, their first dream in the language they’re learning. I’m trying to convince myself that this doesn’t mean I haven’t learned anything. What I do keep doing, however, is imagine myself explaining or asking something in the future and, halfway through picturing the conversation, realizing that I won’t have to say it in Spanish. Because I’ll be in the US. Surrounded by people who speak English. Weird. 
• I’m going to miss San Ramón, despite it all. Well, I’m going to miss some of the people. The people really do make a place.
• It's really weird to realize that I'm never going to see these people again. I've never been great at goodbyes.In fact, they're kinda the worst.
• The highlight of my entire time here so far is still being taught how to intubate by the paramedic at the Red Cross.
• Gender dynamics and machismo and cultural differences are frustrating and confusing and very hard to navigate.
• Bureaucracy sucks.
• I may have implied/stated at some point that Costa Rica is not that hot. I would like to amend that statement. February and even March are quite pleasant. April is apparently the hottest month and ohmygod it is. Sweating when I'm sitting and eating breakfast is a new one for me. Not my favorite. 
• Four weeks sounds much more manageable than five did. 

look! i'm alive!

In thinking about my blog for the first time in quite a long time, I couldn’t even remember if I’d posted anything about Nicaragua. (Turns out I did. Thank goodness, because the details of that trip are already long gone.) Things got a little hard since then. Things didn’t work out as I had hoped with the Red Cross, so instead of volunteering as an EMT, I was stuck in the office, feeling aimless. Luckily my advisor was able to get me into the local ER to do some observing there. It has been interesting to see what happens in the hospital, after learning, if not seeing, so much about the pre-hospital side.

I’ve had a head full of class decisions and senior year scheduling issues, waiting for a housing decision, trying to figure out my summer (it will work out. It has to work out.). And even though I’m still here and living the study abroad experience, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on what that means and what this experience has meant to me and why I feel like I was so unprepared for it.

I get why people don’t want to talk about the hard stuff. I am probably going to fall into that trap too, as it’s so much easier and more comfortable etc. But I do feel that I, at least, owe it to future abroad students to also include the harder, less shiny bits that don’t make it onto the pamphlets. That as nice as your host family is, they’re still not going to be your real family. But, you will spend enough time with them that some of their little habits might start to drive you up the wall. That culture shock is very real, but is different for everyone. That it doesn’t necessarily mean hating where you are and wanting to go home. That food is a big deal. That as suffocating as the Grinnell bubble can feel, it’s also a wonderful little sanctuary. That it’s hard. That every program has issues.That you do not have to enjoy every single second to still have a positive experience.

on challenging things

That last post was a bit....scrambled. But I'm leaving it as is because it's honest. It's how my brain is. I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling about my experience while I'm still living it. It's confusing. It's a lot. I think I'm going to be processing for a while.

I talked to another student on the drive back from Nicaragua and she said that if someone asked her to sum up her experience in one word, she would say "challenging." And I thought that was the best description I'd heard of this experience. It's been so challenging, so hard, in mostly wildly different ways than I anticipated.

I'm not sure if I'd really thought it through more than realizing that I wasn't going to see my friends for eight months and that I was going to have to speak Spanish. I spent a lot of time fixated on those two things. Which are big ones, don't get me wrong.

But I didn't, couldn't, even begin to consider all that living and studying in another country entails. All the little things. The living in someone else's house. The food, the different routines and cultural expectations. The less-than-daily communication with my best friends, my people. All the little things that make up a life.

I have seven weeks left, today. In some ways that feels really long. I don't know what a lot of my time will look like. Plans have changed, expectations have been set aside, papers have to be written, friendships are being navigated.

But here I am, sitting back in my house that mostly has wifi, after a day split between two families where I feel more or less comfortable. Where I have made my home. After watching Grey's Anatomy with my host mom, sitting listening to Like Real People Do while blogging. And like Danielle keeps reminding me, I am doing this. And there is great value in doing hard things. 

Nicaragua

I find it incredibly difficult to describe the places I live. Never would I've thought that Costa Rica would be included in the category of "places I've lived," but here we are. I say this because I know I haven't really described the cities I've been. San José is just.....a big city. With busses and buildings and people. Although it's different from any other big city I've been in, I can't quite tell you why. Maybe it's the Catholic churches everywhere, or the lack of skyscrapers, or the sound walk signals make, or the fruit stands on every street. 

It’s all going by too fast. It normally doesn’t feel like that, but for the last four days I’ve been in Nicaragua with the other students in my program, as we had to leave the country to get our visas renewed. We’ve had jam-packed days. Interesting, but exhausting. Beaches, Lake Nicaragua, tour of Granada, horse-drawn buggies, volcanoes, lava, lava tubes, artisan market, old churches, tile roofs, beautiful views. I wanted to sit down and write at the end of each day, just to try and remember it all. But by the time we get dinner for 22 people and hang out and talk and work on our mid-semester presentations, I’m out for the day.

It’s ungodly hot, making me grateful for the relatively cooler temperatures in Costa Rica from the higher elevation. I’m ready to go back to home-cooked meals. Restaurants just aren’t the same. It’s nice to see the other students and swap stories about our rural sites and research. Nice to know I’m not the only one struggling a bit. But it’s also more of a reminder that they aren’t my real friends and definitely cannot replace them.

The first day we climbed a bell tower and got a gorgeous overview of the city. The whole time I was remembering climbing the minaret in Delhi and what a wonderful moment that was.

I’m currently in an old lodge in a private reserve near (I think) the capital of Nicaragua. Everyone is on a hike, but I needed some downtime. It’s beautiful, but I can’t quite appreciate it all as I’m tired and ready to get back to my new version of normal. 

It was nice to go somewhere new, break the routine a bit. Getting out of Costa Rica allowed me a little more perspective on the whole experience. I enjoyed seeing a different Central American country, feeling the small differences from the place that has come to feel a bit like home. But I'm ready for cooler temperatures, home-cooked meals, return to my routine, fewer things to do and places to see each day, less time spent on that bus. And I'm excited to be able to say that I have seven weeks left here, less than half. Because while Costa Rica is certainly more home than Nicaragua, it cannot compete with Colorado and Iowa and people I know and love.